The One With the Ouija Board
by Pjazz
Summary: The gang use Phoebe's ouija board to contact the dead. Ross antagonises Elvis Presley. But Nostradamus has a spooky prediction. And it starts coming true.


The One With the Ouija Board  
  
A Friends fanfic by Pjazz  
  
2003  
  
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT.  
  
THE GANG ARE WATCHING 'DAYS OF OUR LIVES'.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Let me get this straight. Joey's character's long lost brother Brick is a transvestite, while you've got the brain of a woman transplanted in your skull?  
  
JOEY  
  
Uh huh. And later Brick gets a sex change and becomes Briquette Ramoray. Pretty cool, huh?  
  
ROSS  
  
Briquette? Sheesh, wouldn't want to invite him to a barbecue.  
  
MONICA  
  
Man, these writers are amazing. How do they keep coming up with this stuff?  
  
CHANDLER  
  
And all without the aid of mind-expanding drugs.  
  
RACHEL  
  
If Shakespeare were alive today he'd be writing for 'Days of our Lives'.  
  
ROSS  
  
Ah, hello. The Bard of Avon? The greatest literary talent of all time working for a daytime soap opera? I don't think so, Rach.  
  
CHAND  
  
'Lo what light through yonder window breaks? Tis Dr Ramoray with the transplanted brain of a woman.'  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Ross is right.  
  
ROSS  
  
Thank you, Phoebs.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Shakespeare told me he'd really like to work in movies.  
  
ROSS  
  
Shakespeare told you? You, uh, talk to many playwrights who have been dead for 400 years?  
  
PHOEBE  
  
A few.  
  
ROSS  
  
Isn't that...insane?  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Well obviously I don't talk to him by phone.  
  
CHAND  
  
Shakespeare's unlisted. I checked. These paranoid celebrities.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
I contact him with my ouija board.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Aren't those things dangerous?  
  
PHOEBE  
  
No, you're thinking of guns. Bullets and shooting and stuff. Ouija boards are safe. Though you amateurs shouldn't meddle.  
  
MONICA  
  
You saying we're a bunch of wusses?  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Uh huh. Pretty much.  
  
CHAND  
  
We're not wusses.  
  
JOEY  
  
Chandler, you were too fraidy cat to go see the new Harry Potter movie.  
  
CHAND  
  
Voldemort's really scary!  
  
MONICA  
  
I had to tell him what happened and he still peed his pants.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Chandler!  
  
CHAND  
  
Hey, it was an involuntary loss of bladder control. It's a proven medical condition.  
  
ROSS  
  
You talk to many, uh, dead people, Phoebs?  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Uh huh. Marilyn Monroe and I are really good friends. Did you know she was doing it with President Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy and Rock Hudson?  
  
RACHEL  
  
Rock Hudson was gay, Phoebs.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
He was?  
  
RACHEL  
  
Uh huh.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
(YELLS) Here that, Marilyn? Rock was gay, you dumb bitch! Ugh, she had such terrible taste in men. Like Monica.  
  
CHAND  
  
Hey, I resent that.  
  
MONICA  
  
It's true, honey.  
  
CHAND  
  
Yeah,but..jeez.  
  
JOEY  
  
You ever talk to Robert DeNiro?  
  
RACHEL  
  
Robert DeNiro's alive, Joe.  
  
JOEY  
  
I knew that. I just wondered if Phoebe ever talked to him.  
  
ROSS  
  
Not that I believe any of this, but do you ever talk to Albert Einstein?  
  
PHOEBE  
  
All the time. He explained E=MC2 to me. It's really quite simple.  
  
ROSS  
  
Uh, Phoebs, some of the greatest minds in history don't fully understand what E=MC2 means.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Yea for me! Oh, and Einstein is a really big Knicks fan.  
  
JOEY  
  
Way to go, Einstein!  
  
MONICA  
  
You should bring the ouija board round. Then we can all talk to the dead.  
  
ROSS  
  
And share her lunacy? No, thank you.  
  
MONICA  
  
Chandler could wear his special rubber pants.  
  
JOEY  
  
Dude, you told me they were to help you lose weight!  
  
CHAND  
  
It's a proven medical condition, people.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Alrighty. I'll bring it over tomorrow night.  
  
CHAND  
  
Oh man, I am never drinking liquids again.  
  
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT.  
  
BEDROOM.  
  
A WATER BED HAS JUST BEEN INSTALLED.  
  
MONICA  
  
Wow. A water bed. This is so 70s. I feel I should have flicks in my hair and be called Farrah.  
  
CHAND  
  
Should we try it out? Our maiden voyage, so to speak?  
  
MONICA  
  
Phoebe's coming over, remember?  
  
CHAND  
  
Right. The ouija board. Talking to dead people. Big passion killer.  
  
MONICA  
  
And don't brag to Joey we've got a water bed. He'll only bring dates over here.  
  
CUT TO  
  
LIVING ROOM. LATER.  
  
THE GANG ARE SAT AROUND THE TABLE WITH A OUIJA BOARD, LIT ONLY BY CANDLES.  
  
MONICA  
  
I didn't know what kind of snacks go best with raising the dead, so I baked cookies and chilli dip. Take your pick.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
We're not raising the dead, Monica. We're communicating with the afterlife.  
  
ROSS  
  
Yeah, Monica. Get real.  
  
CHAND  
  
It's kinda spooky with just the candles lit.  
  
MONICA  
  
You got your rubber pants on, right?  
  
CHAND  
  
Check.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Who should we talk to first?  
  
JOEY  
  
How about Elvis? The King.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Okay. Elvis? Are you there?  
  
RACHEL  
  
Whoa!  
  
MONICA  
  
What is it? Do you feel Elvis?  
  
RACHEL  
  
Well, someone just felt my butt.  
  
JOEY  
  
That was me. Sorry. Reflex action. When the lights go out, Joey goes for the good stuff.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
I think I sense Elvis.  
  
ROSS  
  
Yeah? Ask him to sing a song, why don't you.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Elvis says his throat's kinda sore.  
  
ROSS  
  
From all those cheese burgers. Ask him if it's true he was so fat he wore nappies on stage.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Ross, Elvis says when you're dead he's going to hunt you down and whup you like a dog.  
  
ROSS  
  
You're kidding, right? Because that's not funny. I bruise like a peach.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
OOh ooh, Monica. Elvis says your cookies smell delicious. Just like his mama used to bake.  
  
MONICA  
  
Why thank you, Elvis. Always been a big fan.  
  
RACHEL  
  
You can smell stuff in the afterlife?  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Sure. And taste it. And you never gain a pound.  
  
MONICA  
  
Oh man, I'm gonna love being dead!  
  
RACHEL  
  
Try Lee Harvey Oswald. I want to know did he really shoot JFK or was it all a conspiracy.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Ok. Ooh. Ooh. Sorry, Rach. Lee's busy shooting skeet. With John Lennon. Which is kinda ironic what with the all the 'Give Peace a Chance' schtick.  
  
ROSS  
  
Any chance of a chat with James Joyce? There are a few questions I have regarding 'Ulysses'.  
  
JOEY  
  
Forget that. Try Joe DiMaggio. Or Babe Ruth.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Jackie Onassis.  
  
MONICA  
  
Princess Diana.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Not all at once, people! Let's see. Princess Di? Oh, I'm so sorry, your royal highness.  
  
RACHEL  
  
What happened?  
  
PHOEBE  
  
She was with Dodi Fayed. Let's just say, nice buns.  
  
CHAND  
  
You can have sex in the afterlife?  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Sure. With anyone you want.  
  
JOEY  
  
Man, I'm going to love being dead, too!  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Ok, who next?  
  
JOEY  
  
I know, try Notre Dame.  
  
ROSS  
  
Notre Dame's not a person, Joe.  
  
JOEY  
  
He is too. Notre Dame, the guy who predicted the future. Ask him if he knows the lottery numbers.  
  
ROSS  
  
That's Nostradamus.  
  
JOEY  
  
Notre Dame-us.  
  
ROSS  
  
Close enough. That's not a bad idea, though.  
  
MONICA  
  
Oh so now Agent Scully's suddenly a believer. Ross, you are such a hypocrite.  
  
ROSS  
  
I may be a hypocrite but at least I'm a ...greedy hypocrite.  
  
RACHEL  
  
And ask Nostradamus how the new Ralph Lauren Fall line is gonna do. If it's a hit I get a big bonus.  
  
MONICA  
  
Rach, if Nostradamus gives us the lottery numbers you could afford to buy Ralph Lauren.  
  
RACH  
  
Hey that'd be cool. I could totally fire that bitch in internal accounting. No money for a new coffee machine, my ass.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Nostradamus. Are you there, Nostradamus? Talk avec Mademoiselle Phoebe.  
  
JOEY  
  
Come in crazy dead French dude.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Will you shush. I can't hear the dead.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Yeah, shush.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Will you shush shushing, Rachel.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Sorry, Phoebs.  
  
SUDDENLY PHOEBE SITS BOLT UPRIGHT. SHE SPEAKS IN A DEEP, SONOROUS MAN'S VOICE.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
HARK, O MOST UNRIGHTEOUS MEDDLERS! WATER IST WHENCE THOU CAME, AND WATER WHENCE THOU SHALL  
  
RETURN. BEWARE! THE BRINE SHALL SEAL THY FATE!  
  
THE CANDLES GO OUT.  
  
THE GIRLS SCREAM. THEN CHANDLER.  
  
JOEY  
  
My eyes! What happened to my eyes!  
  
ROSS  
  
The candles went out, Joe.  
  
JOEY  
  
Oh thank God!  
  
RACHEL  
  
Omigod! Something touched my butt.  
  
JOEY  
  
That was me again. Sorry.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Was that Nostradamus?  
  
ROSS  
  
Well it sure as hell wasn't Walt Whitman.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Ugh! What's that smell?  
  
CHAND  
  
Dammit, the rubber pants sprang a leak.  
  
INT. MONICA AND CHANDLER'S BEDROOM. LATER.  
  
CHANDLER'S IN PJ'S, MONICA A NIGHTIE.  
  
CHAND  
  
You really want to do this? Nostradamus didn't totally freak you out?  
  
MONICA  
  
Sure. That 'the brine shall seal thy fate?' That's Phoebe trying to scare us.  
  
CHAND  
  
It sure didn't sound like Phoebe.  
  
MONICA  
  
You wanna have sex, or discuss Phoebe's practical joke?  
  
CHAND  
  
Ok. Let's get it on. On the count of 3. 1. 2. 3.  
  
MONICA AND CHANDLER LEAP ON THE WATER BED. IT BURSTS, SENDING WATER EVERYWHERE.  
  
CUT TO  
  
INT. BEDROOM. LATER.  
  
MR TREAGER, THE BUILDING SUPER, AND A BEDRAGGLED MONICA AND CHANDLER ARE SURVEYING THE SODDEN MESS.  
  
MR TREAGER  
  
Wow. I haven't seen a water bed outside a 70s porn film.  
  
MONICA  
  
Do ya think you can help us? We tried mopping up, but it's no use. There's too much water.  
  
MR TREAGER  
  
Technically you're in breach of the tenancy agreement. I should have you evicted.  
  
MONICA  
  
Oh please, Mr Treager. Don't kick us out.  
  
CHAND  
  
Yeah, man. We'll get rid of the bed. Help us out here.  
  
MR TREAGER  
  
What the hell. I've got a pump downstairs I used when the laundry room mysteriously flooded. I'll bring it up.  
  
CHAND  
  
(TO MONICA) Should I tell him it was my fault the laundry room flooded?  
  
MONICA  
  
(TO CHAND) You do and I'll chop your fool head off.  
  
INT. CENTRAL PERK.  
  
ROSS SEATED AT THE COUNTER.  
  
BRIDGET, A PRETTY ENGLISH GIRL, ENTERS.  
  
BRIDGET  
  
(TO GUNTHER) 'Cuse me. You wouldn't happen to serve tea?  
  
GUNTHER  
  
Sure.  
  
BRIDGET  
  
Brill. I could murder a cuppa.  
  
ROSS  
  
You're either English, or a very weird psycopath. Murder a cuppa, I mean, not that you're a weird psy.....Hi, I'm Ross.  
  
BRIDGET  
  
Bridget.  
  
ROSS  
  
Like Bridget Jones? I love that movie. I love fat girls. Um, not that you're fat. The movie was so empowering for....  
  
BRDGET  
  
Fat girls?  
  
ROSS  
  
Uh huh.  
  
BRIDGET  
  
Nice to know.  
  
FRANK, A ROYAL NAVY SAILOR IN UNIFORM, ENTERS.  
  
FRANK  
  
Oi, what are you doing pulling my bird?  
  
ROSS  
  
Excuse me? What bird? There's no birds here. Try the aviary. Jeez.  
  
BRIDGET  
  
This is Frank, my fiancee. Frank, Ross. He likes fat girls.  
  
FRANK  
  
You calling my bird fat?  
  
ROSS  
  
Oh, bird means woman in England. Here it's broad. Bridget's a broad.  
  
BRIDGET  
  
I'm broad, am I? As well as fat.  
  
ROSS  
  
No, no. American women are broads. You're a fat bird. No, sorry. Just a bird. Not fat. Or broad.  
  
BRIDGET  
  
You're a horrible sexist pig. Frank, punch his lights out.  
  
FRANK THROWS A PUNCH AT ROSS.  
  
CUT TO  
  
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT. LATER.  
  
ROSS HAS A BANDAGE ON HIS NOSE. PHOEBE AND RACHEL FUSS AROUND HIM.  
  
ROSS  
  
I mean I know Onagi. I could literally have killed that guy with my bare hands.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Right. Onagi. How come you're the one with the busted nose?  
  
ROSS  
  
Don't touch it. It's still very tender. I mean, big deal so he's in the British Royal navy. So he knew a few moves, very painful moves. All I had to do was use Onagi and he'd have been begging for mercy.  
  
MONICA  
  
Where's Mr Treager? He promised to pump our bedroom.  
  
RACHEL  
  
I can't believe you guys bought a water bed and didn't tell us.  
  
MONICA  
  
Oh I'm sorry, Rach. Hey, big news, we bought a water bed and now our bedroom looks like lake Michigan. Happy now?  
  
JOEY ENTERS. HE LOOKS SICK.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Joey, you ok? You look terrible.  
  
JOEY  
  
I had the oysters at that new seafood place in the village. I got a hot date tonight so I figured, y'know, oysters are a big afro dizzy thing.  
  
CHAND  
  
Aphrodisiac.  
  
JOEY  
  
Yeah. Only I guess they must've been bad, cause I been puking my guts out all the way home.  
  
MONICA  
  
It's all the pollution in the sea. You gotta buy from a reputable supplier.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Oh! Oh! The sea. Nostradamus's prediction. 'The brine shall seal your fate.'--- It's coming true!  
  
ROSS  
  
What?  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Monica and Chandler's water bed flooded the bedroom. Joey got poisoned by bad oysters. Ross got beat up by a sailor.Nostradamus predicted it.  
  
ROSS  
  
Hey, I was this close to using Onagi.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Ross, please.  
  
ROSS  
  
Yeah, I got my ass kicked by a sailor .  
  
PHOEBE  
  
What about you, Rach? Has anything bad happened to you?  
  
RACHEL  
  
Well, I'm wearing a new bra and that cute guy at work didn't even notice. And it makes my boobs look all perky.  
  
JOEY  
  
I noticed. Killer rack.  
  
RACHEL  
  
Thanks, Joey.  
  
JOEY  
  
I think I'm gonna puke again. (EXITS)  
  
RACHEL  
  
Ok, not quite the response I'd hoped for.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
May be Nostradamus's prediction doesn't apply to me and Rachel because we're so cute and sexy.  
  
MONICA  
  
Oh please. I'm just as cute and sexy as you two.  
  
CHAND  
  
That's right.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Oh yeah? If you're so hot, Monica Gellar, how come you didn't marry better?  
  
CHAND  
  
I resent that!  
  
MONICA  
  
It's true, honey.  
  
CHAND  
  
I know, but..jeeez. Two for two.  
  
MR TREAGER ENTERS, DRAGGING A LARGE PUMP.  
  
MONICA  
  
At last.  
  
MR TREAGER  
  
What's that?  
  
MONICA  
  
I said...how fast. Do you work out?  
  
CHAND  
  
I'll say. Look at the biceps on this guy. And the glutes. Amazing definition.  
  
MONICA  
  
Honey, suck up. Don't try and get him into bed.  
  
CUT TO  
  
BEDROOM. THE PUMP IS SET UP.  
  
CHAND  
  
Where should I put the end of the hose? In the toilet?  
  
MR TREAGER  
  
No. It'll overload the pipes. Stick it out the window. We'll pump the water out into the street.  
  
CHANDLER THROWS THE END OF THE HOSE OUT THE WINDOW.  
  
THE PUMP STARTS TO WORK.  
  
EXT. OUTSIDE THE BUILDING.  
  
RACHEL AND PHOEBE.  
  
RACHEL  
  
So you really think Nostradamus's prediction doesn't apply to us because we're too cute and sexy.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Uh huh. Nostradamus was French. You know what French guys are like. They're suckers when it comes to hot babes like us. We're free and clear. No brine's gonna seal our fate.  
  
THE HOSE FROM THE APARTMENT ABOVE DISCHARGES GALLONS OF WATER ON TO RACHEL AND PHOEBE.  
  
THEY ARE THOROUGHLY SOAKED.  
  
PHOEBE  
  
Dammit, Nostradamus! Were you gay?  
  
INT. MONICA'S APARTMENT. NIGHT.  
  
CHANDLER IS GOOFING AROUND WITH THE OUIJA BOARD.  
  
HE HAS HIS FINGER ON AN UPTURNED GLASS, WHICH MOVES AS HE ASKS QUESTIONS.  
  
CHAND  
  
So I'm really talking to Marilyn Monroe?  
  
GLASS MOVES TO YES.  
  
CHAND  
  
The Marilyn Monroe?  
  
YES  
  
CHAND  
  
Man, this is so cool!  
  
YES  
  
CHAND  
  
Say, when I'm dead how about we get together?  
  
NO  
  
CHAND  
  
No? You don't want to do it with me?  
  
NO  
  
CHAND  
  
In all eternity?  
  
NO  
  
CHAND  
  
Who do you want to do it with?  
  
J - O - E - Y  
  
CHAND  
  
Joey? Marilyn Monroe wants to do it with Joey Tribianni?  
  
YES  
  
CHAND  
  
Dammit, Joey gets all the hot dead chicks.  
  
THE END  
  
***  
  
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